lowfashion presents: annual report by todd stadler

Lowfashion.com Annual Report

February 12, 2001

To our beloved stockholders:

lowfashion.com cfo todd stadler
Lowfashion.com CFO Todd Stadler
   Greetings from your Lowfashion CFO.

   I apologize for being late in getting this out to you, but the dinner I just had was horrible. In between having to send back the duck compote twice - twice! - for being "too piquant", my wine steward was not that shapely married woman I am accustomed to ogling, but rather some supercilious old codger.

   But back to business. As you may know, Lowfashion.com has not had an exceptional first year in business. We struggled to get off the ground with the intent of providing "the finest artistic content on the web" early in the first quarter of 2000. This proved to be too lofty of a goal, which is why our new corporate objective is "be the pre-eminent content supplier to the worldwide internet economy if at all possible, but mainly do not go gently into that big sinkhole where all the other dot-coms have gone, nyah nyah; there, but for the grace of God go we". The last line was added by a
lowfashion.com market share graph
Fig. 1: I have heard of many of these corporations
man claiming to be our legal department, but on further inspection, he turned out to be a freelance writer looking for a job. I had him summarily executed but kept the line because I felt it added "zing" to what is otherwise corporate boilerplate.

   Later in the year, Lowfashion.com continued to experience setbacks. Our plan of rolling out a design team composed entirely of legions of monkeys banging on Microsoft NaturalTM keyboards proved to be cost-effective over a similarly talented group of humans, but ultimately resulted in the difficult-to-use garish nightmare you see before you, which I find rather vomitous. Attempts to have the monkeys summarily executed were met with protests from fascist bleeding-heart organizations such as PETA and the Animal Liberation Front, who ironically okayed the execution of the aforementioned freelance writer.

   Causing further troubles were our continued legal battles against numerous entities, including the New York MoMA, who repeatedly appealed the various decisions made in our favor in their suit alleging that "There is no real art here - none of it". As you can imagine, this did very little to improve our sagging image with the press, especially Stephen Silverman of People.com, who continued to bash us in his online column for providing as content that which "only the most sensory-deprived person could consider entertaining, featuring neither beautiful sitcom actresses, nor young men singing in groups of four or five".

   All of this has led to a rather dismal economic situation. While we continued to spend rather large amounts of capital on purchasing office supplies (including 12,045 Post-It NotesTM pads, 348 staple removers,
lowfashion.com profit graph
Fig. 2: I am unaware of the significance of these lines and numbers, but am certain that their inclusion helps to bolster my point
1,702 bottles of White-OutTM and 17 Trapper-KeeperTM organizers), we failed to recoup these expenses by virtue of not, in fact, having an office. Attempts to earn what CEO Nathan B. Beach termed "boatloads of cash" by requiring all registered Lowfashion.com users to join in a simple multi-level marketing scheme (in which each participant was guaranteed to earn upwards of $50,000 a year by doing nothing, while helping to support our corporation) proved unsuccessful. I should think that I do not need to review here the poor decision-making skills that resulted in the purchasing of several "Lowfashion.com Lincoln NavigatorsTM and the subsequent firing of our PR team. Nevertheless, Lowfashion.com has always been "about the art, man" as ousted COO Norma G. Wilkinson used to put it, and we at corporate HQ feel that significant projected losses for the foreseeable future do not mean that Lowfashion.com needs to shut down. In fact, we are committed to providing you the Lowfashion.com content that you have become used to expecting, at no cost to you, if only because we see no other way about it.

   Ah, I see that my imported Asian masseuse is here now, so I will wrap things up. To summarize: upper management is indispensible, people are what Lowfashion.com is truly all about, rah rah rah.

T---- S-----
Todd W. Stadler
Chief Financial Officer

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